I tried to shut off all the “whys” in my head by taking hot baths. Even hot baths weren’t soothing anymore. I used to seek refuge in my bathroom with my bathtub. A few moments of quiet from my three angels. Even this did not comfort me now…not in the least! I found that many of the things I enjoyed to do prior to J.T. leaving, I just couldn’t do anymore. Partly, this was because I just didn’t feel like doing anything. Partly because I couldn’t enjoy anything. And partly because I was so out of my element, nothing made any sense anymore. I was talking with a dear friend about my bath dilemma. He reminded me that water is the element of emotions. It didn’t feel good at all sitting in that water because I was just sitting in my emotions, with nowhere for them to go. He suggested I wash my grief away in the shower, imagining my grief and sorrow going down the drain with the water.
Determined to enjoy baths again, I tried it in the bathtub. I filled it with hot water, sat in it until I just felt I couldn’t stand it anymore, then pulled the drain plug. I didn’t get out. I sat there in the water as it drained out of the tub. I imagined all my sorrow and grief going down the drain with the water. I didn’t move until the last drop was down the drain. Then I stood up. The first time I did this, I didn’t know what to expect. I was sure it was a waste of time. To my amazement, I felt better! I really could feel the grief being drained from my body and going down the bathtub drain. At last, I found something that worked, something that made me feel less icky. There was a glimmer of hope. Maybe I was going to be OK.